The Choice

So a few days later, I buzzed off to the surgeons office , were she reviewed my medical records and was confident that there was a 95% surety that my lump is indeed benign. She later told me, she was over a 100% sure it was benign, but as a professional had to stick with the 95% in order to safeguard herself. 

She than gave me a choice of having an exsional biopsy performed or nixing  surgery  and have periodic mammograms and ultrasounds instead, to keep an eye on things. After asking her personal opinion which she refused to give , she did tell me that most ladies opt to have a lump removed , even if it is benign , just for peace of mind.

This was a difficult decision to make, since I abhor surgeries , going to doctors and being poked and prodded around ...Plus what to do with the children while I'm in surgery and recuperate. Also it is very easy to go into the self denial mode of , I feel great , I'm healthy, full of energy, and why fix what's not broken ?

After a talk one evening with my brother in law , who is in med school, his advice was to just bite the bullet and get the lump out so they can do a biopsy and I can know  with surety that the lump is indeed benign or if it happens to be malignant than you know ,either way. That helped cinch my decision to go ahead with a surgery, which was scheduled for Sept.

But God had other plans, our oldest daughter had been scheduled to have a surgery in August, and it fell through a few days before her scheduled surgery date, since I already had clothes packed , caretakers rounded up for our other 3 children , I decided to go out on a limb and call my surgeons office to see if there would be a chance that I could have my surgery on that date . And to my surprise they did have a slot open .

The following week, we left the kiddos overnight at pawpaws and my Moms house. The kiddos knew I was having a surgery  and for some reason, they think surgery is the coolest thing , In fact K was walking around the house one day sulking because he has never had a surgery and 2 of his sisters have, and its just not fair , he wants a surgery too:-)Their only request was that I bring home a baby for them to play with. LOL . I should clarify, S was 7, the twins 5 1/2 and B was 2 at the time of my surgery.

I was rather nervous about this surgery, My only other surgeries prior to this had been C sections and my last C section had been rather traumatic . Really , truly being put to sleep scares the tar out of me, I always have these worries of  either not being totally out during surgery and feeling pain or just as bad, being so out that I don't wake up till a week or so later. This time around , it was just  like a big dark ,peaceful hole ,that you seem to fall into and a couple seconds later someone is waking you up. VERY unlike my last C section were I was so disoriented and in a fog when they woke me , that I did not recognize the jubilant man , that was strutting around holding a beautiful dark haired baby, in fact I was getting pretty ticked off at this guy, till it dawned on me that I just had a baby AND that cocky man is MY dear hubby!!But I digress, back to THIS surgery. I had been really concerned about pain from the surgery and recuperation time  and had just gotten the generic answer that it differs from person to person , all depends on your pain threshold and yadda , yadda.
 I was surprised to wake up and have very little pain . Of course I was comparing this surgery with a c section which is like comparing apples to oranges. No comparison. This was a walk in the park, compared to a C section . Plus being allowed to pop a Valium a few hours before to calm my jittery nerves of being put to sleep.

The surgery went well and the surgeon though from the appearance of the lump, it looked benign. But following normal procedure sent the specimen off to be tested by the pathologist.

 

Moments before being wheeled back for my excisional biopsy. Note my lovely puffed up gown, it was hooked up to the hose and that blue gizmajig to keep me warm. 

 

How my lump was discovered.

Since we are child free tonight , and I am feeling a bit better, I decided now is a good time to post. I had 5 hours of dental work done today while under sedation . Yes you read correctly ,  Under sedation , I am such a wuss when going to the dentist, and he was not comfortable, with attempting to do any fillings or such like with me being awake and for good reason, the last time I had gone in to have a simple filling done, He numbed my gums, put my chair back into the "relaxed" position ,adjusted the light and I freaked out ( hyperventilated to be technically correct ) and almost fainted on the poor fellow. Gave him a scare and me , well I walked out without any dental work done and lots of humble pie to chew on for awhile. This was by far , my best dental experience ever. Just knock me out and wake me up when everything is taken care of.

                     
                                 The Lump

It all begun unraveling back in March,2012 when I went to my annual ladies visit to my highly admired OB-gyn, she did all the normal stuff that goes along with the exam and in the process found what she was certain was a lump in my right breast . And than she asked THE QUESTION " Are you examining your breasts on a regular basis?" " No", was my reply . I mean my breasts are like totally lumpy , the few times I did try , everything felt like lumps .But as an aside , now that I know how an actual lump feels I want to share this with you my lady friends , so you can be on guard, my lump felt small and very hard, think frozen pea , it does not move when you palpitate it, I had no pain or any other symptoms at any time with my lump.

After receiving a well deserved scolding and pep talk from aforementioned doc. I was scheduled for a mammogram and ultrasound 2 days later. Findings came back as the lump is something to keep watched, there were no tentacles or fingers as some people call it, nor rough, jagged edges( both normally but not always signs of cancer ) rather my lump looked like an oval shaped stone. The radiologist recommended a 4 mo follow up ultrasound ( a mammo will only detect that there is a growth/lump, whereas with ultrasounds , they can take measurements and get a much more in depth look at what is happening) My lump had not grown in size so the radiologist deemed the lump as 95% benign ( noncancerous) and recommended a 6 month follow up ultrasound, which would have been in Jan '13. BUT since my regular OB-gyn was out of country at the time, her partner took a look at my records and was not comfortable with waiting 6 mo for another ultrasound and referred me to a local surgeon to discuss my options and get her educated opinion.

The Diagnosis

Almost a year ago, August 17, 2012 to be exact, my husband and I sat together in a small , cozy waiting room , waiting to be called into my surgeons office to discuss the pathology results of my excisional biopsy ( in laymans terms , she removed a lump from my breast) that she had performed a few days prior.... On Wings of Faith is a documentary of sorts , to be compiled together for my 4 children and I welcome you aboard to read along.

So without further ado, here goes...

A tumult of thoughts and emotions swirl through me tonight.
My journey in this life has taken an unplanned, unwanted, unforeseen detour off of the rose strewn path I was walking on, oh certainly at times the trail didn't seem very rosy, flowers wilted and thorns of discontentment and disappointment pricked here and there. But nothing, outside of my Dad's death 11 years ago , has felt like this huge thorn does, that really as of yet I'm not feeling.I'm still being carried on the waves of shock and disbelief.

After M and I  left the Doctors office and had a semblance of composure ,we went to Wendy's so my starving man could eat , I'm not even sure if I ate or not, than off to Wally World .Yes, even in the midst of cancer, life has to go on. While M went in to grab the items we needed. I made the dreaded call to my Mom.How it hurt me that she would again be a bystander to the dreaded c- word. Than texted the news to all my close, dear friends , I've been blessed with in this life.

I sit here knowing it is truth yet still not believing that it is ME. I have breast cancer??? ME ??? The pink ribbon will forever have a different meaning in my life.