Calling All Prayer Warriors

I have really been neglecting my blog lately . Life seems to whirl by at such a rapid speed . With the washer kicking the bucket , can opener giving out after 10 yrs and some of our 6.5 yr old steel roofing sliding  away from its normal place and only being held in place by the gutters ( this all happened in 2 days) plus your normal run of the mill things along with fall cleaning adds up to prioritizing what is most important to do  and blogging my journal gets pushed to the bottom of the totem pole.


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The next phase , was telling people . which is something I dreaded yet at the same time knew needed to be done.

I cringed at the idea of  the pitying looks ,condolences and imagining the news fly like wildfire throughout our community , being the topic of coffee break klatches and such like ,  yet I knew that in order to fight this battle, I needed the support and prayers of people. This is not a battle to march into on your own .And I was determined to fight with every arsenal available .

The following is the text message that I sent out to friends and extended family...
                               Update:Good news is lump is out,
                               bad news is , some of it was malignant
                               will need further surgery and than some
                               radiation. Please keep all of us in your prayers
                               especially our dear kiddos, as we go thru this
                               part of the journey , God has planned for us.
                                

That Sunday morning , M announced my diagnosis during prayer request time at our church. I could basically feel the shock reverberate through the church , as there were only a small number that knew about my results from Friday. Most if not all of the ladies knew that I had a lump, But with my biopsy surgery rescheduled on short notice and not having our normal Sunday School the Sunday before, there were few that knew I had the surgery.

As we divided into our prayer groups , I was so totally blessed by the love, support,concern from the group I was in. It really helped to be able to discuss the circumstances, and also to joke around a bit .

,

My dear cousins brought in a feast for us the evening after my first surgery, he was going through treatment  for his cancer at the time . Tho I am sad that he had cancer , it has been so comforting to have family facing the same kind of struggles and giving encouragement, we had a lot of fun together at the cancer picnic this summer.

Beautiful roses from my dear hubby, note my puffy , swelled face, I have no idea why , but all throughout my surgeries and treatment I was swollen and puffy, blech.

My dear friend Rene, who is like the sister I never had . Little Miss B is with us, while hubby gallantly shot some pics .

Gorgeous flowers from Rene

Sunday morn haircombing, even in the midst of diagnosis, life goes on as usual when you have a family.

I couldn't hold/hug/squeeze my kiddos enough that first weekend. (This pic was taken 6 days after surgery, and not quite 48 hours after receiving the shocking news)

Again one of those, life goes on moments, Our town had its annual celebration and K was running in the race , much to twin sis L chagrin , this is one of the first things he did alone and she was not a happy camper. BTW, I laugh everytime I look at this pic. L's face says it all and K is all smug and excited.

Our four firemen

The man of the house w the kiddos , think they might have been watching the chicken being bbq'ed

Today marks the one year anniversary of swallowing my first dreaded tiny little white pill ,that will be part of my life for the next couple years.As I read and researched the daunting list of side effects, I decided if the hormone therapy itself doesn't do the job of protecting me from a recurrence of cancer than the warnings of all the potential mishaps in and of itself is enough to scare any cancer cells straight out of me.

Thankfully , I know some people that have taken the med for the allotted 5 yrs and came out of it none worse for the wear , with no serious side effects. And since my Dad had been on a experimental drug while he was fighting cancer, I knew that any  adverse reaction or health malady that happens has  to be listed as a possible side effect .

So I reluctantly downed the pill , that would be a constant reminder everyday for the next years and mutter and grouse underneath my breath while taking it. The first couple weeks were pretty rocky, nausea , dizziness , horrible headaches everyday for 3 weeks straight along with chills. No hot flashes here , only chills , which I think must be just as bad in a different way. I would pile on layers of clothes and still be cold. As time went on my body evidently adapted to the new interloper , but not the thinking part of me , oh no . I developed quite an attitude towards this wee pill, that is here to help me , especially when I gained 7lbs in a 6 week timeframe!! Now I was super ticked  but no amount of cajoling and pleading with my oncologist to take me off helped. This med is a weight gaining med , and it is very difficult to lose pounds while on it.One evening I was so discouraged about the weight gain, I texted some of my friends asking them to pray about it , around the same time I also went on a natural weight controlling pill ( approved by my team of docs) Currently I eat more and workout less than I did , at the time I was gaining ...the one doc that I saw today, said she thinks running after my kids gives me all the exercise I need :-) they certainly do keep me on my toes!!! And  I am 9lbs lighter than I was on the day I sent my SOS text !!!!God cares,  and answers prayers about the little stuff that seems like big stuff to us !!

The past few months I have actively tried to imagine all the good this pill is working inside of me and think of it as a friend that is here to help me for a season . I still have occasional bouts of headaches and nausea, but all in all nothing to complain about , when you look at the big picture of  life. But I do know I will whoop,holler,jump,dance, sing, do cartwheels, aahh, think I will let the kiddos do the cartwheels on second thought,anyways you get the idea, there is gonna be a celebration of some kind in 2017!

Of God winks and snakes

The phone rang in the hub bub of happy, bickering children ( that's what makes them happy , is to bicker.  and see who is the king or queen of the mountain).

After a night of little sleep and lots of crying, I really didn't feel like picking up the phone, until I saw that it was my beloved OB GYNs private #. After asking me how I am , to which I replied " not very good, but I will be alright ". There was silence on the other end for a bit, than she asked " what is going on?" So I told her my diagnosis. We had such a good , encouraging conversation it did wonders for me. It was a  gigantic God wink in my day. She said she had been thinking about me that week and I was so heavy on her mind that morning she decided to call me and see if she could convince me to have my lump removed, since my med records showed that I had decided to wait. I have no idea where wires got crossed with that info, but do think it was God's way of giving me encouragement for the day.

For lunch we went out to eat and S and L sat at a table all by themselves. Proud as peacocks they were , than we browsed through our local wally world after that we took a scenic drive to Hershberger's truck patch and watched kettle korn being popped. Of course we had to buy some, which the children promptly munched as soon as we were home.

I did some other errands also, its funny how  your world can tilt on its axis but life goes on, clothes become dirty and need to be washed, food needs to be prepared for hungry littles that have bottomless tummies, homework has to be done , and dead hosteas need to be trimmed which gave me an adventure that Saturday...

I was giving the hosteas their haircut for the coming fall, when out slithered a snake from beneath the bushes.

At the sight of that loathsome creature,  I  forgot that I am diagnosed with cancer, and had surgery a couple days before... Basically forgot everything and had tunnel vision focused on getting the best of the dumb snake that was doing its utmost to weave away from the crazy two legged being ( me) that was whacking at it with trimming shears. Unbeknownst to the nervy garter or any snake .( I would make an exception for a python or a cobra though, I would run away as fast as my legs could carry me if I would see one ) you don't come close to me unless you want to be roadkill. I had a very sore breast and arm  for the next week as proof of my snake killing experience.

Trekking Onward

 You can refer to my first post of my initial response to being diagnosed. The following is a continuation of Friday evening/night and Saturday's(. I have been trying to link to my first post without success, if you have any tips for me, by all means let me know)

By the time we were back in our hometown it was around our children's normal bedtime. Miss B had fallen sound asleep at the sitters , so we put her to bed here at home and quickly bathed the other 3 kiddos  and put them to bed , trying our best to act as normal as possible.

After the children were all tucked into bed. The dam broke and tears fell as we contemplated the yet unknown, uncharted future ahead of us.

Sleep was a long time in coming that endless night, once I did fall into a restless sleep, my dreams consisted of lumps being mixed up and misdiagnosis, you name it , I dreamt it.

By 3 am I gave up on trying to sleep and crawled out of bed , crept downstairs and started a load of laundry, I heard B whimpering in her sleep and went to pick her up. As I  cradled her in my arms and breathed in her sweet baby smell, tears ran down my cheeks, as I thought of all the upheaval this would create in their innocent, happy little lives.

My sweet little B, I want to be here for you and watch you grow up...I want to see Dad walk each of you girls down the aisle, and be there for the special moments in your lives. K, I want to  watch you grow and mature into manhood and meet and know the lady you will marry someday. To my dear hubs , I want to grow old and gray with you , walking around in tottering steps, complaining about our aches and pains....anticipating the times our children and grandchildren drop in to visit us. Oh dear God , these are the desires of my heart.



Let me watch my children grow , to see what they become. Oh Lord, don't let that cold wind blow till I'm too old to die young. The lyrics to this old country song is my prayer to my Heavenly Father.


I will lift up mine eyes unto the hills, from whence cometh my help My help cometh from the Lord, who made the heaven and the earth. Psalm 121

The Day My World Changed

Friday morning rolled around. I was nervous, my fridge was scrubbed, the pantry was neat as a pin, the laundry room shined, the floors were mopped and 98 meatballs were safely stowed away in the freezer. Yes , I know surgery on Monday and working like a maniac by Friday, this is what happens when I'm nervous, okay :-)

By this time it was 1:30 and time to get the children ready to go to the sitters and myself ready also. We were out the door by 2:30. The children were all excited to go to the sitters and bounce on the trampoline.

I told our sitter if we aren't back by 5:30 to feed the kiddos supper . Fully expecting to be back by 5 pm.

Hubs and I drove out the long lane onto the narrow road that connected us to the state route that would take us to our destination. We arrived a few minutes early and didn't see my Dr till about 30 minutes later, where she than told us the earth shattering news.

Here I will sing my highest praises for my surgeon , a kinder more compassionate way of breaking the news , would not have been possible. She spent an unknown amount of time answering our questions,  informing us of the treatment and surgery options in a kind , gentle manner. Being honest with us and telling us how shocked she had been with the results and therefore had 2 different pathologist check out my tissue to make sure that I was diagnosed correctly. Remember my lump had been deemed 95% surety of being benign ( noncancerous )

Just as a little aside, I am one of these people that finds humor in a lot of things and that evening at Wendy's a biker dude just made my day , by the slogan on the clothes he was wearing " Loud pipes, save lives" My hubs and I have chewed on that saying ever since.

The Call

   A few days after my surgery, my phone chimed in the afternoon , I saw on the caller ID that it was my surgeons office. I excitedly picked up the phone, saying a polite "Hello" expecting to hear my surgeons voice at the other end saying " pathology report came back as benign" 

And than I will heave a sigh of relief and live my life as before surgery , steady and predictable, organized and hopefully more relaxed with 3 children in school and only one at home , I was looking forward to not having my nose to the grindstone as much and to be able to spend more time with my friends and family ,tootle off to go shopping at a moments notice and  catch up on some projects that had gone to the wayside the past years . Don't misunderstand me , I dearly love my kids, but to go away is such a hassle , I normally stay at home in order to avoid myself and them from becoming stressed out with being somewhere on time / finding missing shoes/having someone upset that we are going away/yelling at whomever is inevitably lagging behind, plus the endless bickering amongst each other. Yes , the kids have all inherited my homebody genes but even homebodies have to get out of the house sometimes.So you can well understand ( I hope ) that I was looking forward to 6 hours of freedom , peace and quiet . But little did I know how drastically my life would change.

 Now back to the phone call..

Instead it was the secretary, asking if I could come in the next day to discuss the results with my surgeon." Sure" ,  I said pleasantly , thinking , this is weird, I thought they were going to tell me on the phone.

We quickly made plans for a babysitter for the next day and went about our normal activities. Though I was in a state of high alert whenever I thought about the call, since I knew through my Dads illness that you normally aren't called in to see the doc for your  test results unless something is brewing. But with young children needing their Mommy, there was little time to indulge in thoughts of  myself.

The Choice

So a few days later, I buzzed off to the surgeons office , were she reviewed my medical records and was confident that there was a 95% surety that my lump is indeed benign. She later told me, she was over a 100% sure it was benign, but as a professional had to stick with the 95% in order to safeguard herself. 

She than gave me a choice of having an exsional biopsy performed or nixing  surgery  and have periodic mammograms and ultrasounds instead, to keep an eye on things. After asking her personal opinion which she refused to give , she did tell me that most ladies opt to have a lump removed , even if it is benign , just for peace of mind.

This was a difficult decision to make, since I abhor surgeries , going to doctors and being poked and prodded around ...Plus what to do with the children while I'm in surgery and recuperate. Also it is very easy to go into the self denial mode of , I feel great , I'm healthy, full of energy, and why fix what's not broken ?

After a talk one evening with my brother in law , who is in med school, his advice was to just bite the bullet and get the lump out so they can do a biopsy and I can know  with surety that the lump is indeed benign or if it happens to be malignant than you know ,either way. That helped cinch my decision to go ahead with a surgery, which was scheduled for Sept.

But God had other plans, our oldest daughter had been scheduled to have a surgery in August, and it fell through a few days before her scheduled surgery date, since I already had clothes packed , caretakers rounded up for our other 3 children , I decided to go out on a limb and call my surgeons office to see if there would be a chance that I could have my surgery on that date . And to my surprise they did have a slot open .

The following week, we left the kiddos overnight at pawpaws and my Moms house. The kiddos knew I was having a surgery  and for some reason, they think surgery is the coolest thing , In fact K was walking around the house one day sulking because he has never had a surgery and 2 of his sisters have, and its just not fair , he wants a surgery too:-)Their only request was that I bring home a baby for them to play with. LOL . I should clarify, S was 7, the twins 5 1/2 and B was 2 at the time of my surgery.

I was rather nervous about this surgery, My only other surgeries prior to this had been C sections and my last C section had been rather traumatic . Really , truly being put to sleep scares the tar out of me, I always have these worries of  either not being totally out during surgery and feeling pain or just as bad, being so out that I don't wake up till a week or so later. This time around , it was just  like a big dark ,peaceful hole ,that you seem to fall into and a couple seconds later someone is waking you up. VERY unlike my last C section were I was so disoriented and in a fog when they woke me , that I did not recognize the jubilant man , that was strutting around holding a beautiful dark haired baby, in fact I was getting pretty ticked off at this guy, till it dawned on me that I just had a baby AND that cocky man is MY dear hubby!!But I digress, back to THIS surgery. I had been really concerned about pain from the surgery and recuperation time  and had just gotten the generic answer that it differs from person to person , all depends on your pain threshold and yadda , yadda.
 I was surprised to wake up and have very little pain . Of course I was comparing this surgery with a c section which is like comparing apples to oranges. No comparison. This was a walk in the park, compared to a C section . Plus being allowed to pop a Valium a few hours before to calm my jittery nerves of being put to sleep.

The surgery went well and the surgeon though from the appearance of the lump, it looked benign. But following normal procedure sent the specimen off to be tested by the pathologist.

 

Moments before being wheeled back for my excisional biopsy. Note my lovely puffed up gown, it was hooked up to the hose and that blue gizmajig to keep me warm. 

 

How my lump was discovered.

Since we are child free tonight , and I am feeling a bit better, I decided now is a good time to post. I had 5 hours of dental work done today while under sedation . Yes you read correctly ,  Under sedation , I am such a wuss when going to the dentist, and he was not comfortable, with attempting to do any fillings or such like with me being awake and for good reason, the last time I had gone in to have a simple filling done, He numbed my gums, put my chair back into the "relaxed" position ,adjusted the light and I freaked out ( hyperventilated to be technically correct ) and almost fainted on the poor fellow. Gave him a scare and me , well I walked out without any dental work done and lots of humble pie to chew on for awhile. This was by far , my best dental experience ever. Just knock me out and wake me up when everything is taken care of.

                     
                                 The Lump

It all begun unraveling back in March,2012 when I went to my annual ladies visit to my highly admired OB-gyn, she did all the normal stuff that goes along with the exam and in the process found what she was certain was a lump in my right breast . And than she asked THE QUESTION " Are you examining your breasts on a regular basis?" " No", was my reply . I mean my breasts are like totally lumpy , the few times I did try , everything felt like lumps .But as an aside , now that I know how an actual lump feels I want to share this with you my lady friends , so you can be on guard, my lump felt small and very hard, think frozen pea , it does not move when you palpitate it, I had no pain or any other symptoms at any time with my lump.

After receiving a well deserved scolding and pep talk from aforementioned doc. I was scheduled for a mammogram and ultrasound 2 days later. Findings came back as the lump is something to keep watched, there were no tentacles or fingers as some people call it, nor rough, jagged edges( both normally but not always signs of cancer ) rather my lump looked like an oval shaped stone. The radiologist recommended a 4 mo follow up ultrasound ( a mammo will only detect that there is a growth/lump, whereas with ultrasounds , they can take measurements and get a much more in depth look at what is happening) My lump had not grown in size so the radiologist deemed the lump as 95% benign ( noncancerous) and recommended a 6 month follow up ultrasound, which would have been in Jan '13. BUT since my regular OB-gyn was out of country at the time, her partner took a look at my records and was not comfortable with waiting 6 mo for another ultrasound and referred me to a local surgeon to discuss my options and get her educated opinion.

The Diagnosis

Almost a year ago, August 17, 2012 to be exact, my husband and I sat together in a small , cozy waiting room , waiting to be called into my surgeons office to discuss the pathology results of my excisional biopsy ( in laymans terms , she removed a lump from my breast) that she had performed a few days prior.... On Wings of Faith is a documentary of sorts , to be compiled together for my 4 children and I welcome you aboard to read along.

So without further ado, here goes...

A tumult of thoughts and emotions swirl through me tonight.
My journey in this life has taken an unplanned, unwanted, unforeseen detour off of the rose strewn path I was walking on, oh certainly at times the trail didn't seem very rosy, flowers wilted and thorns of discontentment and disappointment pricked here and there. But nothing, outside of my Dad's death 11 years ago , has felt like this huge thorn does, that really as of yet I'm not feeling.I'm still being carried on the waves of shock and disbelief.

After M and I  left the Doctors office and had a semblance of composure ,we went to Wendy's so my starving man could eat , I'm not even sure if I ate or not, than off to Wally World .Yes, even in the midst of cancer, life has to go on. While M went in to grab the items we needed. I made the dreaded call to my Mom.How it hurt me that she would again be a bystander to the dreaded c- word. Than texted the news to all my close, dear friends , I've been blessed with in this life.

I sit here knowing it is truth yet still not believing that it is ME. I have breast cancer??? ME ??? The pink ribbon will forever have a different meaning in my life.